When wondering whether or not your spouse is compatible, the question you’re really asking is “What if I’ve married the wrong person?”

In fact, at The Academy of Lasting Love, we would wager that there’s not a person out there who hasn’t, however fleetingly, asked themselves that self-same question. It’s a great question, and really, how do you know?

When we first meet someone and fall in love, love is easy. It’s aided by the body’s production of a cocktail of chemicals and hormones.

Research shows that we like others because they are either similar to, or better than us. That’s also where it starts with our love interest.

We choose them for the things we have in common, like our shared love of walking in nature, or our common dislike of the rude barista at the local coffee house.

We also choose them because often they have strengths that we don’t, like his ability to do that math equation in his head, or her ability to know exactly what to say to make someone feel better.  

We choose them so that we can feel re-joined with our long-lost twin self.

It almost feels like a Cosmic attraction, doesn’t it?

When you think about it, this is precisely why:
In good relationships, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

Sadly, because most of us were never taught how to deal with differences in opinion or taste with respect, empathy and humor, our differences, once the love and goodwill begins to fade, usually end up being the things that irritate us the most about our partner.

Ironic, considering they were the things we originally found most impressive, and were drawn to in order to find balance.

Another question that every single one of us has asked is “How can I make my partner change?” and the simple answer is you can’t. You can’t make anyone change.

Don’t be under the false illusion that your partner doesn’t want to change though. It’s likely that if you’re not happy in the relationship, they aren’t either. So, they probably do want change, but just not change that being imposed on them.

If you don’t think it’s nearly impossible to change someone who is not willing to change, just think how hard it is to change yourself, and you are willing.
- Charles f. Glassman

What’s the first thing most of us instinctively do when we’re told by our partners that we MUST do something? We dig our heels in.

It’s a funny thing, but at The Academy of Lasting Love, we have seen so many different examples of people who end up hurting themselves to try to avoid making the changes their partner has asked of them; whether it be to eat healthier, spend more time with family, or to take a break from work — no matter how well-intended and helpful the change is, asking for it results in push-back.

Naturally, at this point in your relationship, where there’s so little kind-regard and connection, EVERYTHING is probably going to feel like a demand, regardless of how nicely you ask for it.

So right now, don’t expect your partner to do what you ask, eventually though, if you follow the Laws of Lasting Love, they will get back to a place where they do care, they’re just not there now.

If only we got a dollar at The Academy of Lasting Love for every time someone has told us that they felt hoodwinked by their partner. “She had a great figure or he had a fantastic job when I first married them, now see what’s happened. I just don’t feel like they’ve kept their side of the bargain.”

We always ask the same question  in reply, “Did you make it clear that was part of the bargain when you married them?”

Many of us 'expect' (which is such a dangerous word), each other to fulfill certain roles in our lives. For example, to work just as hard as we do, have the same level of nurturance towards our kids, or care just as deeply for our future financial safety.

When we do this to our partner, we are in effect turning them into a ‘Role-mate’ and not a Soulmate. Role-mates only last for as long as they are fulfilling a role, they need to stay static and not change, which of course is impossible, because we are all constantly changing.

When they inevitably stop doing what we want, or otherwise let us down, the magic starts to fade. Sadly, it’s an inevitable stage in most relationships. The phone calls and the conversations start to become a nuisance, and touch begins to feel either unwanted or obligatory.

When you compare the euphoric feeling you had at the start of your relationship with how you currently feel, you might even wish to feel that again, but with someone else. It may seem more achievable and certainly easier, than from the seemingly impossible place you now find yourself with your partner.

You could certainly fall in love with another person, but we can absolutely guarantee that eventually it won’t work either, because as the wise poet Rumi so succinctly put it: Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

While finding a new partner is the most radical substitution for our emotional fulfillment, there are many other ways we replace our partner once we begin to feel let down by them. We turn to work, the kids, our friends or family, or so-called addictive behaviors, like TV, food, alcohol, social media or porn. Or a combination of some or all of the above.

What have you turned to?

If you’re at a point where you feel like you’re the only one still invested in your relationship, then you’ve come to the right place.

Sadly, many couples in therapy are told that each partner has to take 50% of responsibility for the state of their relationship. This happened to The Academy of Lasting Love co-founder Nikki Green.

She realized that this 50-50 split of responsibility made her miserable because she kept looking for reciprocity from her husband for the changes she was making. She kept getting stuck in his business; was he reading the book, was he doing the exercises like she was? And of course because he wasn't, she was getting more and more demoralized, losing hope they’d ever be able to fix their marriage.

It's wasn't until she realized that the common denominator in all her failed past relationships, regardless of the kind of men she chose, was HERSELF.

So, she decided to take 100% responsibility, both for her own happiness and the health of her relationship. When she started showing up differently, and treating her husband differently, he started to change.

In fact, that's what the Third Law of Lasting Love: 'Choose Change to Create Change' is all about. It's founded on the Fifth Law of Nature - 'The Law of Cause and Effect’.

So, please take solace in the fact that there is actually so much you can do by yourself to fix your relationship!

This is why we created our program ‘The Laws of Lasting Love’ to work not just for couples who attend together on a 'Joined-Up-Journey', but also for those taking it by themselves and are on a ‘Just-Me-Journey.’

Your ‘Just-Me-Journey’ could be you preparing for a future relationship you want to make last, or because your partner is caught up in their own feelings and isn’t ready to do anything to change just yet, regardless, you have the power to move mountains!

In fact we’ve even helped people whose partners have moved in with the person they had the affair with or who have filed for divorce.

So please DO NOT underestimate the strength of the relationship bond or your ability to resuscitate it!

We want to remind parents and caregivers to go easy on yourselves—there’s no need to feel guilty or ashamed about you or your child getting coaching.

Your child really needs your support right now, and with coaching, plus your encouragement, they can start feeling like themselves again.

This can actually turn into a really positive experience for both of you and help your child build important skills they can use to handle tough situations down the road.

Childhood is often seen as a fun, carefree time, but it can also feel really overwhelming and scary for kids. They don’t always understand what’s going on around them or how to deal with big changes—whether it's something unexpected or even just growing up and hitting puberty. Since kids are still developing, they don’t always have the tools to handle stress in a healthy way.

That’s why you might see your child acting out, taking risks, being defiant, or doing things just to get attention. Usually, it’s not about “bad behavior”— rather it’s just their way of showing they’re struggling and don’t know how else to talk about what they’re feeling. Other kids might go the opposite way and shut down, keep to themselves, or seem really down and withdrawn.

It’s also pretty common for kids to feel anxious, especially when they don’t have control over what’s happening or are scared of the unknown. You might notice separation anxiety, nervousness in social situations, or even panic attacks.

And with all the time kids spend online or gaming, they’re more exposed to risks like bullying—both in person and online—or even emotional or sexual abuse. These experiences can lead to major shifts in their behavior or personality, which can definitely be worrying for parents.

It's really hard for parents to know what to do and quite often, thanks to our own family of origin issues, we’re not really equipped to deal with it in the most effective of ways.