Tackling Trust Issues

nikki's blog Feb 22, 2020
 

Let me ask you a question, have you ever cheated, or been cheated on?

I think most of us have encountered at least one, if not both sides of the infidelity experience. I know I have - and it’s the sort of thing you can’t fully imagine until it’s happened to you right?

Even if you’ve been both the perpetrator and the victim, it can still be very challenging to keep things in perspective.

When someone you really trusted in the past violates that trust, it can be very painful and difficult to get over. And if it happens repeatedly, it can severely distort the way you see the world.

As Einstein said the most important question we can ask ourselves in life is: “Is this a friendly universe?”

What he basically meant was, “are you optimistic about life?”

The reason it’s such an important question is because we will react to life the way we believe it to be.

Very often people who have been scarred by trust violations come to all new...

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3 Top Relationship Her-Bits (Habits for Her)

nikki's blog Jan 24, 2020
 

In my last Vlog I talked about how the fundamental building blocks of every long-term goal are actually habits.

Habits are behaviours repeated over and over, either together or consecutively, with other small behaviours, which when maintained for long enough will result in a goal being successful.

It may sound odd to reduce something as complex and emotional as having a great relationship to something as clinical and simplistic as habit formation, but actually that’s how I made my relationship work and you can do it too.

So what are the top 3 habits that today’s woman can develop to improve her relationship?

The first and most important habit is to create the habit of Awareness, both self-awareness and relational awareness.

Awareness is our ability to see and understand our emotions, moods and drives and relational self-awareness is our ability to see how these effect those we interact with.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman in his best-selling book ‘Emotional...

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Sticky Habits and Sex

nikki's blog Jan 11, 2020
 

As a sex therapist lots of people come to see me about improving things and 8 out of 10 times there’s something that needs to be fixed in their relationship, because it’s hard to have good sex if there’s resentment or anxiety present. But after that’s been sorted out, it’s really more about developing the habit to have regular, enjoyable, mindful sex.

Regardless of what new habits you’re trying to make stick, today I’ve got some cutting edge ideas on how to do that, including some ideas about willpower that might even surprise you.

Would you agree that there are very few things quite as disheartening as failing at the same goal over and over again? Whether it’s increasing intimacy, eating healthier, or just finding more balance in general.

Goals are usually made up of smaller steps that need to keep happening in order for the larger goal to be a success. A small step that needs to happen consistently is called a habit.

New habits are...

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New Year’s Resolutions are for Losers

nikki's blog Dec 28, 2019
 

I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday and have managed to include some delicious festive fare, some time to bond with loved ones, as well as some quiet time by yourself to recharge your batteries and get ready to get the most out of 2020.

Not only is this the start of a new year but it’s also the start of a new decade, giving you even more impetus to start off on the right foot. The New Year is traditionally the time we resolve to stop doing those things that cause problems and pain, and to develop those good habits that you’ve probably been recognizing for a while would make life smoother, more productive and more fulfilling.

Sadly though 92% of us will fail to sustain them. To find out why, and what to do instead to make this your best year yet, read on.

While about half of us will make New Year’s Resolutions this year, less than 25% of them will reach the 30 day mark, and only 8% will succeed. Talk about setting yourself up for failure!

I don’t want...

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Angry, Often?

nikki's blog Dec 14, 2019
 

Let me ask you a question, do you find yourself either getting annoyed more and more often, or that the level of the anger is starting to concern you?

Do you remember being much more tolerant than you are now?

I’ve been there myself, and it’s so hard not to feel worse about yourself after each tirade, whether it’s just going on inside your head, or especially when others have witnessed it, but it’s really important that you understand you’re not turning into a horrible person or losing the plot.

There will be some really good reasons why this is happening and it’s important to uncover and understand them.

I’m Nikki Green, a sexual/marital therapist, affairs expert and the co-founder of The Academy of Lasting Love and today I’m going to share my strategy on how to deal with anger when it starts to run the show.

Dealing with something emotional by getting angry could just be a method of dealing with things that’s been imprinted on you...

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How to Avoid the Holiday Blues

nikki's blog Dec 02, 2019
 

Taking an informal poll among all the Gals I’ve seen in the last few weeks, most of them report how they go through the motions every year during the Holiday Season and every year they end up overwhelmed, resentful or just plain exhausted.

If you’re in the same boat, I’d like to suggest some holiday hacks that will help you stop over-functioning, start enjoying yourself and creating precious memories instead.

How does the Holiday Season make you feel? Or, a more important question might be, how do you WANT it to make you feel?

Are you in high spirits, full of excited anticipation? Maybe you’re ‘should’ing’ on yourself for not being more enthusiastic? Or it could be that it’s just a difficult time of year for you?

If you’re in the camp where you can anticipate some challenges then this vlog’s for you!

Whether it’s Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza, even the biggest celebrators don’t escape feeling blue (however...

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Authenticity- what’s the big deal?

nikki's blog Nov 16, 2019
 

Today I want to have a look at why being authentic is the key to having a satisfied life.

When a person is living authentically, what’s going on on the outside is a reflection of what’s going on on the inside.

It’s that sweet spot, where how you’re showing up in life is a true reflection of your values, beliefs and actions.

Reaching that can really take some time and effort and it’s not for the faint-hearted, but when you look at most of the times you’ve suffered in your life, it’s usually because you haven’t been authentic.

Hi, I’m Nikki Green, a sexual/marital therapist, affairs expert and the co-founder of The Academy of Lasting Love.

So here are some examples of how not being authentic can cause problems.

Maybe you over committed at work and you’re stressed. Your family aren’t seeing much of you and you regret saying yes to the boss, again. You weren’t being authentic with him, and acting out of your desire to...

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Is Your Partner Emotionally Neglectful?

nikki's blog Nov 01, 2019
 

It can be so painful being with someone who seems to have a wall up, and just won’t let you in.

Often there’s one partner in a relationship who tends to propel it forward emotionally, and this is usually the person who contacts me when things get difficult.

Sometimes they tell me the painful story of being with someone they just can’t seem to reach emotionally.

Larry is one such client of mine and I listen as he describes a deep, deep loneliness and a longing to connect with his wife, whom he loves so greatly that it makes him ache at the very core of his being.

My heart goes out to Larry, he’s in a role I know well, having played it in so many of my own relationships.

After bearing witness to his pain, I turn to Darlene, to get her take on the whole thing. She flashes a gorgeous smile, rolls her eyes dramatically and says to Larry “Oh come on Darling it’s really not that bad!” She turns to me and says “You know, Larry is just so...

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How Much Does Your Stress Impact Your Relationship?

nikki's blog Oct 26, 2019
 

Two years ago I was in a wheelchair and I thought I was dying. Now I’m fully mobile thanks to two successful hip replacement operations. While I’ve completely changed my diet and purged my body of toxins, my symptoms still haven’t totally gone away.

I think it’s an autoimmune problem, but I digress because I’m sharing all this to illustrate a point, and to ask the question: where is your tipping point and how much does your stress impact your relationship?

Most of us probably recognize at some level, that for our relationships to thrive we need to bring ‘our best self’ to them. That’s just another way of saying we need to contain our level of emotional reactivity, so that it doesn’t spill out onto our partner when we feel stressed.

This is what we need to know. According to research, relationships between loving yet resilient people are the ones that fair best.

We’ve all met people who are highly reactive and moan about...

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Boundaries 2.0- Weak Or Rigid Boundaries Lead To Suffering

nikki's blog Oct 20, 2019
 

Last week we talked about boundaries but it’s not enough just to put them down. As with everything in life, it’s all about balance. Today we’ll talk about the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.

“A boundary is the place where two people meet, you can think of a boundary like a cell wall.
Energy flows inside the cell but it also flows between cells just as it flows between people”.

If we share too much, our boundaries become porous, we don’t know where we end and the other begins.

So, either we take on board too much of what our partner thinks about us, and we become pleasers and placaters- losing ourselves in the process. Or the more dominant of us may become dictatorial and controlling, thinking we know what’s best for the other person.

Porous or Enmeshed boundaries make us ‘Co-Dependent’ on our partner, they allow us to feel connected but not self-directed.

If we share too little it’s because our...

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